


It hit her like a stray bullet

by notreallystraight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: ALL the tags, Bi, Cancer, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gay, Lesbian, Multi, Realistic, Romance, Story, T100, The 100 - Freeform, female/female - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:03:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7897252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>every day Clarke wakes up knowing she's going to loose Lexa, the love of her life<br/>and it's killing her<br/>it's killing them both</p><p>or</p><p>Lexa has cancer and it's getting closer and closer to the end</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> there will (of course) be a lot of talk about death and cancer and sickness and illnesses and all of that. if you're not comfortable with that then please don't read this.
> 
> also. i dont know much about cancer and all of the medicine and machines and all of that so i'll just make stuff up along the way. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you'll all enjoy this mess of a story

Clarke knows she's going to be alone one day. Even though she has her friends, she's going to be alone. One day she'll wake up and know that she won't be able to look at Lexa anymore and she's dreading it. She's doing everything she can to not think about it. It was sort of easy at first. But when Lexa started losing her hair and weight and energy, that's when it got difficult. 

Lexa got diagnosed a year ago. They gave her three months. That's when Clarke stopped trusting the doctors. When they said that a week before Lexa's 24th birthday she was going to die. Now Clarke doesn't even smile or nod or say hello in a nice tone when the doctors give them new dates of Lexa's death, as if it was a bet and all of the doctors gave their submission, hoping to win the grand price. 

Now Clarke is laying in their bed with Lexa by her side, listening to her slow breathing, which is controlled by the machine on the floor next to the bed. Cars are driving by their window, you can hear their engines roar through the silent streets. Sun i peaking through the curtains but Clarke ignores it. 

Clarke can't sleep, she never can. She takes naps during the day, when they're with their friends. The thought of leaving Lexa just to dream about something better than this life is scarring her. When Lexa diagnosed Clarke used to wake up, thinking everything was fine, and then when she remembered, it was like getting punched in the stomach and trying to scream at the same time. 

The machine starts to work harder, which means that Lexa's waking up and forcing her breathing to be quicker than the machine's made for. 

Clarke gets out of bed and unplugs the machine, takes a tank from underneath the bed and shifts the tube from the machine to the tank. Lexa turns to look at Clarke, they give each other a soft smile. 

"Mornin' " Lexa whispers through loud breaths. Her fingers are running over the silk bedding, the doctors said that it'd be easier to sleep for Lexa if she had something nice to sleep on. Clarke knows it's bullshit but she went out and bought the bedding the very same day and hoped that it'd help. 

"Good morning, " Clarke says, she brushes her fingers over Lexa's thigh that is sticking out from the blankets. 

"What time is it? " Lexa asks and turns to lay on the other side as Clarke walks to her side of the bed again. Clarke sits down and, with Lexa's help, gets under the many blankets and lays down again. 

"It's morning time. " Clarke smiles, knowing that if she told Lexa that it's actually midday she'd get sad to know half the day was already gone. 

"Should we make breakfast, then? " Lexa asks. 

"Nah, " Clarke whispers and leans in to kiss Lexa on her cheek, right under the tube that goes from her nostrils, around her head and down, connecting her to the tank. Lexa laughs a little bit, but when she stops she has to try and control her breathing again. 

A things as small as laughing can throw everything off in the morning. She coughs a little, but tries to keep it silent to not worry Clarke too much. 

"Okay. I'll make pancakes, " Clarke says and drags the blankets down to the floor to force Lexa to get out of bed, too. 

"I'm coming with you, " Lexa says and lifts herself up, her arms are shaking slightly. Everything hurts in the morning. It's like the pain goes away during the day and at night it recharges and strikes again with full force. 

"Here, " Clarke says, but Lexa waves her off. 

"I got it, " Lexa says and tries to smile the pain away. Clarke leaves her, knowing that Lexa wants to do these small things by herself. These small things that healthy people don't even think about, like getting dressed or doing your hair and make up or be the one staying awake to turn off the movie. 

Clarke leaves the room. She doesn't close the door completely, she has made that mistake before. 

She walks from the bedroom, down the hallway and into the open kitchen. The kitchen windows are tall and wide, leaving a perfect view to their tiny, little garden. The grass is freshly cut, which means that Lincoln was here yesterday when Clarke and Lexa went to the doctor again. 

Clarke gets out a box of pancake mix and starts to add the eggs and milk. She flips the pancakes one after one and when she's done, she puts them on the dinner table. She then sets the table and takes the Nutella, jam, whipped cream and sugar and puts it all on the table along with a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of hot chocolate for Lexa. 

"Breakfast's ready! " Clarke calls and waits for Lexa to yell 'coming' but when too many seconds pass and she doesn't hear it, she runs to the bedroom and swings open the door. She looks around the room and instantly sees Lexa sitting up against the window, the curtains are still drawn, her head down to her knees. 

Clarke walks to her with fast steps. She gets down and lift her head up quickly but gently. 

"Lexa! Hey, what's wrong? " Clarke says when she can see the tears that are streaming down Lexa's face. "Lexa! Please, " Clarke says again and she grabs Lexa's wrists to feel her pulse. It's beating slowly, almost skipping beats. 

Clarke checks the tank, it's almost full. She checks the tube to make sure it's fine and there are no holes in it. Lexa lets her head fall to her knees again, tears are still streaming down her face. 

"Please! " Clarke yells when Lexa doesn't do or say anything. "I'll get help, Lexa. It'll be alright! " Clarke gets up to get her phone from the kitchen, but Lexa lets out a whimper and Clarke turns to her again. 

"Talk to me, Lexa! " Clarke yells and finally Lexa turns her head to look up at her. 

"I don't want to do this anymore, " Lexa whispers, just loud enough for Clarke to hear it. 

Everything inside Clarke freezes and stops and hurts and screams and burns. It feels like her head is spinning in her stomach and her heart is ripping itself out through her throat. 

"I'll call for help, " Clarke says. 

***

"They said it was just a lack of energy and doing too much at the same time. She just needs rest and when she wakes up she'll get some new medicine. " Clarke explains to Octavia and Lincoln. They sitting outside Lexa's room at the hospital. You can hear laughter and crying in the distance, it's a mix you'll never get used to. 

"Okay, that's good, then, Clarke, " Octavia says and Lincoln strokes Clarke's arm gently to comfort her. "The new medicine will help her. It's a good thing. " Octavia continues. 

"I... I don't know, " Clarke says and drops down even further into her seat. Octavia and Lincoln are both looking confused so Clarke sits up again and takes a few deep breaths. 

"Right when I was going to call the hospital for help she... " Clarke closes her eyes and she sees everything that happened just minutes ago. "She said she couldn't do it anymore. " The words hurt more to say than to hear. 

Octavia and Lincoln's reaction is almost the same as Clarke's. 

"She didn't mean that, " Octavia says and blink faster and faster, fighting the tears. "She was just tired and hurt. That's what the doctors said. " Octavia bites her lip to shut herself up. She does this every time Clarke talks about this kind of stuff. She keeps talking in a way that makes her sound like the creator of rules and life. As if she just said 'Lexa's okay' enough, eventually Lexa would be okay. 

"She said it and she meant it. She didn't want me to make the call! She wanted me to just let her- " 

"That's not true, Clarke, " Lincoln says with a harsh voice. "I know Lexa, okay? She won't give up like that. Octavia's right, she was just tired and in pain. Let's just wait for her to wake up and then we'll talk to her about it. " 

Clarke nods and eventually Octavia and Lincoln walk to the first floor to find Raven and tell her the news. Raven is in medical school. She's almost done with school, pretty much, all she's doing now is to take extra care of patients that the 'real' doctors don't have time for. 

Abby works at this hospital too, but Clarke doesn't need Abby here right now. Clarke doesn't need Abby to tell her that what's happening to Lexa is a normal thing when you've been through as much as she has and Clarke doesn't need Abby to tell her all sorts of medical stuff about Lexa, as if she's nothing but another patient. 

Clarke needs Lexa to wake up and tell her that she's was speaking gibberish and that she wants to stay, that she wants to live, with Clarke forever and ever and ever. 

Clarke needs Lexa to wake up and say that's she's okay again. 

Clarke needs Lexa to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't read this through so i'm sorry if there're any major spelling mistakes or something like that! i'll probably read through it a little later, i'm just crazy busy right now haha. 
> 
> anyway, thank you for the sweet comments on the last chapter <3

 

Her head hurts and the tips of her fingers are cold. Clarke is sitting next to her, she's being quiet. There are no other sounds than the TV and the beeping of machines. They're on the fourth floor, The Cancer Floor, as some people call it.

Three soft knocks on the door breaks their quiet-time and they both turn quickly to the door, startled by the sudden sound. Clarke gets up and walks to the door. It's a nurse.

"You can come in, " Lexa says and sits up a bit more. Clarke turns to look at her in a way that makes Lexa think that Clarke might not even have known that she's in there with her.

Clarke opens the door for the nurse to come in and they both sit down in chairs around Lexa's bed.

"How are you? " The nurse asks. It's alway the same question all of the staff start off with.

"I'm okay now. Except, you know... " Lexa looks to the many machines and tubes that are sticking out from underneath the bedsheets.

"Well, at least you're better, " The nurse says and gives Lexa a friendly smile. "I talked to Clarke about what happened to you earlier today, " The nurse says. "It's nothing big, just a small fall-back. You'll have to take these with your breakfast every day from now on. " The nurse sticks her hand in her pocket and pulls out a box in a bright yellow color. It's almost toxic-looking.

"Why? " Lexa asks and doesn't even grab the box. "I'm already on more medication than a humanly possible. Why should I think _that_ would help me get better? " Lexa continues. 

Clarke gets up from her chair without even thinking about it. She takes the box of medicine from the nurse and nods her off with a forced smile. The nurse closes the door after herself and Clarke waits until you no longer can hear the clicks from her heels. 

"This won't make you feel better, Lexa. This will just make you not die! " Clarke can't help but to cry. She's so horrible at fighting and Lexa, being the one she's fighting with, doesn't make it any easier. 

"I get that this is really hard for you. But it's hard for me too and I'm not just going to give up like- "   
  
"What are you talking about? " Lexa says. The machine next to her bed is beeping louder now, forcing Lexa's breathing to cut shorter and shorter. Clarke turns to the machine and takes the tube from it and puts it into the tank. 

"I... I don't know. I'm sorry. Just, please, take these, okay? I'll get Raven, Octavia and Lincoln to come in and say hello. " Clarke leaves the room and makes sure to leave the door wide open. 

As she walks down the hallway she makes sure to not cry too loud. She forces her breathing to be slow but it just makes it shaky. She blinks a lot but that makes people stare. So when every attempt to not look like a person who's crying fails, she gets in the elevator and begs for it to be empty. 

She doesn't even press one of the many buttons, just lets it do its thing and follows with it. 

When the elevator starts moving, that's when Clarke breaks. That's when she falls to the floor and fills the elevator with her sobs and cries and airy screams. When it stops she doesn't even notice who's stepping inside it. 

She just tries to shut up for a second, but then she breaks again and keeps on crying. 

"Clarke? " The young man's voice says and she looks up to the familiar face above her. 

"That's me, " She says, her voice trembling with every word. 

"Why are you crying? " He says and gets down to the floor with her. 

"Because my girlfriend is dying, " Clarke says. She knows it's a horrible answer, but it's the truth. 

"Fair enough, " He says. "Is Octavia here yet? " He asks and checks his phone. There's an unread text from Octavia saying she's outside Lexa's room, waiting for him. Why he still asks Clarke, she doesn't know.

"How about we pretend you didn't see my crying on the floor of an elevator? " Clarke asks and looks to her left to meet Bellamy's kind face. 

"Okay. Let's get out of here then. Leave the crime scene as fast as possible, " He says, gets up and helps Clarke to her feet. They press the button to the 4th floor and waits in silence. 

***

"So I said to him that what he had done was wrong and he told me not to correct him just because I'm a student! " 

"Did you punch him? " Lexa asks. 

"Of course! But that's not the point! " Raven says, waving her arms over her head dramatically. "The point is that just because I'm wearing a black scrub and he's wearing a white one, then I'm not important and my opinion doesn't matter! " Raven ends with a loud sigh and then sits down again. She moves her chair a little further away from the bed for her to rest her feet on the edge of it. 

"Hey! " Octavia says when she sees Bellamy and Clarke walks through the door. "I thought you got lost! " Octavia jokes and hugs Bellamy a little too tight. 

"I did. But Clarke found me in the elevator, " Bellamy says and grins in that boyish way only he knows how to do. 

"So, give me the details. What did you do this time, Lexa? " Bellamy says and Lexa puffs out a bit more air than usual - which is her way to laugh when she doesn't have enough energy to give a real one. 

"Basically I'm too tired to get dressed in the morning so they're giving me more pills. " Lexa says shortly. Bellamy is the only one who gives a laugh. 

"What if you just sleep in your normal clothes? So you get dressed at night and then in the morning everything's perfect. " He smiles and takes a chair from the pile near the door. He places it with the backside towards the bed and puts a leg on either side of it. Then, he leans over the back of the chair and finally he's comfortable. 

"I wish it'd be that easy, " Lexa smiles. 

"Me too, " Clarke says in a whisper, hoping no one would hear it. But everyone turns to her and gives her a sappy look. 

"When are you getting out of here? " Octavia asks to change the subject. Lincoln puts his hand around Octavia's waist and it makes Bellamy's brow twitch.

"We don't know yet, " Lexa says and looks at Clarke. The box of pills is placed neatly on the bedside table, which is closer to the bed than normally, just to make sure she can reach it. 

"Hopefully soon! I've just ordered your cake for this Saturday! Everything is ready, all we need is just the birthday-girl to- " 

"Not have cancer, " Lexa says in a sharp voice. 

"Lexa! " Raven hisses when she sees the look on Octavia's face. 

"Sorry, " Lexa says. "I'm just tired, you know. " It's her usual excuse. If she just says she's tired everyone forgives her for being an idiot. 

"Maybe it's time for us to leave, " Lincoln says. He gets up from his chair at the end of the bed, puts his hand on Lexa's legs and gives her a reassuring nod before walking over to the door. 

Raven gets up too, she leans over Lexa's bed to hug her but while she does it she steals one of the mini chocolate bars on her bedside table. 

"Thief, " Lexa says and laughs a little, ending it with a cough. 

"You know me so well. " Raven says, chewing loudly as she walks through the door with Lincoln right behind her. 

Octavia gives her a tight hug and then turns quickly. 

"Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I'm really exited for the party, Octavia. " Lexa smiles and Octavia gives her another hug before leaving the room. 

Bellamy waves goodbye, they've never really hit that we're-totally-good-enough-friends-to-hug-moment. 

Now it's just Clarke and Lexa left in the room. Clarke turns on the TV again and changes the channel a few times before she gets to one where they're showing Friends. It's her favorite show, ever. It was the first thing Clarke and Lexa talked about when they met. Lexa yelled at Clarke for not liking Günther and Clarke never really understood why Lexa liked him so much. It was only about a year later when Raven pointed out that Lexa was totally like Günther and his obsession with Rachel should've been based on Lexa's obsession with Clarke. 

Now it makes Clarke smile every time she sees Günther. 

"It's the one where Rachel gets a cat, " Lexa whispers. Clarke laughs at the bit where Rachel tells the others that she sold the cat and Günther walks in and reveals that he's the one who bought it from her.

Clarke turns to look at Lexa and she gives a small smile. Even though she's looking at the box of medicine right next to her, she's ignorering it and just tries to focus on the beautiful girl laying next to her. 

"That bed sure does look comfy, " Clarke says and when Lexa moves a little to her left, Clarke jumps up from her chair and down in the bed. She steals the blankets from Lexa, making both of them laugh for a little bit. Lexa ends up leaning into Clarke's arm and chest. She nuzzles her slowly out of habit. Clarke likes the way it feels when Lexa's eyelashes tickles her skin and the sound of excess air, the air that doesn't get trapped in the tube from her nose, flows from her. 

"I love you, " Clarke says. She wish she'd said it louder and earlier, when Lexa was awake. She also wishes she'd brought the remote to the bed, because now the episode is over and they're showing an old cooking show Clarke doesn't like. But she keeps still in the bed and hopes that she'll fall asleep soon, too. 

**

When Clarke wakes up it's from a nurse cleaning up the room after their visit. Clarke jumps when she sees the stranger in the room and that, of course, wakes Lexa up, too. 

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, " The nurse says in a gentle voice. She's wearing an all-white outfit with a pair of horrible, neon blue shoes. Clarke just gives a lazy smile to the lady and waits for her to leave the room. After about ten minutes she's done putting all the chairs away and clean out Lexa's lunch. She even threw out the chocolate bars that were left. The nurse must've changed the tube from the tank and to the machine again, because it's the first thing Clarke checks when she's sure Lexa's awake too. 

"I'm starving, " Clarke says. 

"I'm not, " Lexa says. She moves a little to give Clarke space enough to get out of the bed, but Clarke stays put. 

"I'm sorry I got so upset earlier. " Clarke runs her fingers through her hair. It's very tangled. "I just. I don't know, I guess I just got annoyed about everything, " Clarke says. She doesn't know why she won't just tell Lexa what she told her earlier. It's stupid, but maybe Octavia's right. Maybe Lexa didn't know what she was talking about. Maybe Lexa didn't even mean what Clarke thinks she meant. Maybe Lexa just meant that she couldn't do that anymore, and by 'that' she meant getting dressed by herself in the morning or waking up that late or-

"Clarke. " Lexa takes Clarke's hand and holds it tight. "I get that it's been hard for you too, okay? I'm not the only one struggling and fighting here, I know that, " Lexa says it in a way that makes Clarke feel stupid, like, of course Lexa knows that it's been tough for Clarke too. Of course Lexa understands that Lexa's not the only one who's hurt. 

"I love you, " Clarke says, this time at the right moment and this time loud enough for Lexa to hear. 

"I love you, too. " Lexa leans forward and kisses Clarke gently. Clarke can hear Lexa's breath being forced by the machine and she remembers that she should probably change it back to the tank. She kisses Lexa back shortly and hits the nozzle-part of the tube, underneath Lexa's nose. 

"I'll get some dinner, " Clarke smiles and crawls out of bed. She walks around the bed, changes the tube from machine to tank and, just to make sure, she checks the numbers and line on the screen. She's been trying to learn what is okay and what isn't. It's hard when sometimes a high number is good on one machine and then on a different machine a low number is good. So now, when she needs to feel a little bit better about staying in the hospital, she just looks for green numbers. There are a lot of them now, so she grabs the carrier for the tank and gives Lexa a sneaky smile. 

"Ready for a little walk? " She asks and lift the machine onto the carrier and zips it up in the little bag that's stuck to the metal parts. Two wheels, a handle, which you can make longer, the bag and the tank inside the bag is all Lexa needs to walk around. 

"I'm tired, " Lexa says in a dramatic way and she spreads out, even more dramatically, on the bed. Clarke seizes the opportunity and gives Lexa a quick tickle. Lexa screams and bursts out laughing. Clarke stops again quickly, she knows Lexa can't use too much energy right now. 

"Lets go, " Clarke says and helps Lexa out of the bed. Lexa's wearing a pair of loose, grey joggers and an old t-shirt with a logo of some sort on it. She has bear feet so she puts on the slippers underneath her bed. 

Clarke's wearing pretty much the same thing, except for a long sleeved sweater, which she now regrets since it's a million degrees in the room. Lexa takes a few short steps towards the door, just to start slowly, and Clarke grabs the handle of the tank-carrier and rolls it right behind her. She, then, takes Lexa's hand and helps her get out of the room and down the hallway. People are looking at them as they walk through the little groups that are standing outside of rooms with closed doors. 

"People always stare, " Lexa whispers to Clarke. She always points that out when they're at the hospital, not when they're anywhere else. As if it's a disgrace to be bald and carry an oxygen tank here and not anywhere else. 

"It's because you're so pretty, " Clarke says and Lexa gives her a gentle push and a giggle escapes her pursed lips. 

"Shut up and buy me dinner, " Lexa says. 

"Aw, this reminds me of our first date. " Clarke laughs. They walks for a few minutes before getting to the cafeteria. Clarke orders a lot of fries, some chicken and four chocolate puddings. She pays for it and they get their free drinks - the hospital has some weird deal where if you're sick you get drinks for free. It's strange but it had saved Clarke a lot of money. 

So the walk back, Clarke carrying their food and drinks, and Lexa dragging the tank behind her.

As they eat their dinner in bed and watch a few more episodes of friends, Clarke feels like this is the closest to peace she'll ever feel. This is the closest to a 'normal' life with Lexa and it makes her heart beat faster and her throat dry, but as Lexa eats her third chocolate pudding and gets it all over her face, Clarke can't help but to think that it's good enough and that, for now, they'll be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i managed to make myself cry from this chapter, sorry.
> 
> it's a little longer, i think, but hopefully that's okay.

So it's been about two days and it's friday now, which means Clarke has gotten about three calls a day from Octavia about Lexa's party tomorrow. She, Octavia, has ordered a cake, candles, balloons and she almost ordered a band, but Clarke had to tell her that Lexa would've hated a band and Octavia agreed with her on that one, but that she had to buy a bunch of boardgames for them to play. Clarke said yes just to get Octavia to hang up.

"I want to go home, " Lexa complains as the doctors takes her blood, shakes the tiny bottles and then writes down a bunch of numbers on a little piece of paper.

"Me too, " The doctor says and it makes Lexa laugh a little, which makes Clarke smile a lot. 

"Should we just get out of here, then? Just get away from all of these losers and see the world? " Lexa jokes and lifts an eyebrow. The doctor laughs, but then shakes the piece of paper to remind Lexa that if she just left, well, she'd die.

"I don't think that'd be such a good idea, " He says. 

"Yeah, plus your girlfriend is standing right here, Lexa. " Clarke says with a sharp tone but ends it with a smile. 

"She's such a party-pooper. " Lexa whispers and the doctor laughs. He takes the needle out of Lexa's arm, puts a little bandage on her and then gets up from his chair. 

"There you go, " He says with a smile. Clarke takes a few steps closer to the bed, she's not very good with needles, so every time Lexa has to be poked she likes to pretend nothing is happening. The doctors usually like to point out that Clarke is weak for not liking a sharp, possibly dangers object, which Clarke doesn't find funny.

"All done? " Lexa asks.

"Yep, you can go home now. " 

"What? Now? " Lexa asks in shocked/surprised tone. Clarke turns to the doctor with a serious look on her face.

"If this is a joke, it's not a very funny one, dude. " She snaps at him, pointing her finger at him.

"Easy, Monica, " Lexa says, referring to the episodes of Friends they watched last night. The doctor laughs a few times and then tightens his tiny ponytail in the back of his neck and gives a reassuring nod for a few seconds, which just creeps Clarke and she starts to feel awkward.

"No, no. Don't worry. We could just take more blood from you, but if I've learnt anything from medical school it's that humans need blood, " He says. He and Lexa both laugh, Clarke on the other hand starts packing right away. 

"Well, looks like you're eager to get out of here. " The doctor waves goodbye and then walks out the room, closing the door behind him.

"You could've at least smiled once, " Lexa says as she swings her legs over the side of the bed. 

"He could've not flirted with you, " Clarke mumbles as she throws her wallet and keys into her purse. 

"Oh, that's right. I forgot who I'm dating, " Lexa says and takes a few unsure steps towards Clarke. She puts her hands on Clarke's wrists to stop her from packing their stuff. Then she pulls her closer, wraps her arms around her and slowly leans in for a kiss. Then, when Clarke's lips are just about to touch hers, she sticks out her tongue, licks Clarke on the lips and bursts out laughing. 

"You're so gross, " Clarke says with a loud laugh right afterwards. 

***

"Home, sweet home, " Clarke says as they step inside their tiny house. It has a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom and a living room all devided into three rooms. The bedroom pretty much only has room for their bed and their dresser, the kitchen is literally just a fridge, an oven and a counter, the living room is a TV and a couch and the bathroom, let's not even talk about the bathroom. 

"I'll order some pizza and then, maybe, we could sit outside? " Lexa says as she drags the tank with her into the kitchen. 

"Sure! I'll get the blankets, " Clarke says. She kisses Lexa on the cheek and walks out of the patio door, which blends in nicely with the big windows in the kitchen/ living room, and down into the tiny shed to get the picnic blankets. She set them up nicely on the grass with a few pillows and a couple of candles.

When she gets back inside, Lexa's sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging her legs back and forth into the drawers under the counter. 

"Everything okay? " Clarke asks. She slides her hands over the tops of Lexa's thighs with a smirk.

"Everything's perfect, " Lexa says and leans down to kiss Clarke, but her tube gets caught on something and she has to lean back again, away from Clarke's lips, to fix it.

"Not so smooth, " Lexa says as she puts the tube back into her nostrils with a small laugh.

"I don't care, " Clarke says and leans forward, making Lexa wrap her legs around Clarke's waist and they try for another kiss, this time without the tube getting in their way.

They stay like that until the doorbell rings and Clarke is forced to remove herself from Lexa.

"I'll get it, " Lexa says and she takes the tank by the handle and drags it behind her on the wheels of the bag. The doorbell rings one more time before she's at the door and when she opens it the pizza delivery guy looks embarrassed at her for being so impatient. 

"It's okay. " Lexa smiles as she gets the money from the little jar on a shelf next to the door. The guy looks about fourteen and suddenly Lexa thinks back to being fourteen and not knowing anything and just feeling wrong and awkward all the time. So she tips the guy about twenty dollars, which is pretty stupid since those where their pizza-money and Clarke is probably going to give Lexa a whole speech about how they need to save money for the medicine and then Lexa will say that saving their pizza-money won't give them more medicine and then Clarke will just be mad for the rest of the day. 

"Have a good night, " Lexa says and she takes the box and waits until the boy has left before she starts pushing the tank with her leg and then shut the door with her other leg and still hold onto the pizza and the tank. It's a whole big scene that a fourteen year old kid shouldn't watch. 

"Pizza's here! " Lexa calls, but not too loud because Clarke is nothing but five meters away and it wouldn't make sense to yell. 

"Good, I'm starving! " Clarke calls back and Lexa can hear wine glasses hit each other and the fridge opening and closing again. 

"Are you getting wine? " Lexa says as she starts walking back with the pizza box in one hand and the tank in the other. 

"Of course! " Clarke calls back, this time very loud because now she's outside.

So as Lexa makes her way through the tiny hallway and into the kitchen she thinks about what she said to Clarke a few days ago, when she was collapsed on the floor of their bedroom, in pain and desperat. She thinks that maybe she could keep this going a little longer, just long enough for Clarke to feel somewhat okay. She thinks that if she just made sure Clarke is happy, then it'll might be easier for her to say goodbye. 

But as Lexa turns to the kitchen and sees Clarke outside, sitting on the blanket with the pillows and candles and wine, she thinks that Clarke will never be okay and not matter how Lexa's sorry ends she'll be broken for ever. 

It hurts to think like that. It hurts to know that even though you're the one dying, you're also the one killing the love of your life.  
So Lexa blinks away the tears and walks down to Clarke to eat their pizza and drink too much wine as they laugh and kiss and laugh some more until the moon is shining brightly above them and Lexa can't keep her eyes open anymore and she can feel a bit of pain in her lungs.

***

Clarke wakes up the next morning and Lexa is still asleep. She looks at her phone, it's on her bedside table, and sees that it's 10 am. She gets out of bed, trying not to wake up Lexa, and walks out the room, of course, leaving the door wide open. 

With quiet steps she walks down the hallway and into the kitchen. She makes a cup of coffee, takes it and walks to the easel next to the couch and looks at her painting. She finished it a few days ago, before they went to the hospital, and now she's just waiting for the guy who bought it. 

Clarke used to have a job. She worked in the bakery down the street, she worked at the nail salon as their cleaning lady and she worked in the neighborhood where she either shoveled snow or moved their lawns or anything where she could get money and still be close to home. When Lexa got really sick and had to stay at home all the time, that's when Clarke quit everything and became her personal care-taker. 

Now Clarke gets send a check from her mother every month to pay for the medicine, food, rent, everything. They're in more debt than humanly possible. It's another thing weighing on Clarke's shoulders. Lexa doesn't know how much they owe to their friends and family. If she knew, well, Clarke is sure she'd just fake that she suddenly doesn't have cancer anymore and she'd start working again and... Then after a day she'd be gone.

The doorbell rings and Clarke hurries to the door. It probably woke Lexa up. Clarke opens the door, it makes a painfull squeak which sends shivers down Clarke's spine and she can feel the hairs on her arms lift.

"Hey, " Says the guy standing in front of her.

"Bellamy? " Clarke says with a confused toned, surprised to see him. "What. Why. The party doesn't start until 12. What are you doing here? " She keeps the door half open, not sure if she even wants to let him in. She knows she's only annoyed at him because he just had to ring the doorbell and, probably, wake up Lexa.

"I thought you'd like to talk, " He says with the Bellamy-smirk that used to make Clarke's knees weak.

"I don't. Not right know. Lexa's still asleep. " Clarke turns to look down the hallway, the light hasn't been turned on in the bedroom, so maybe Lexa actually is asleep.

"Exactly. If she's still asleep it should be fine, right? " He says and walks past her and into the living room in just a few, lazy steps.

"Are you drunk? High? Just being a dick again? " Clarke asks and closes the door slowly, trying not to make a sound.

"Everything and nothing, " He says as he sits down on the couch with his legs swung over the armrest.

"Mainly being a dick, " Clarke whispers to herself as she grabs her cup of coffee from the counter.

"Clarke Griffin, charming every guy, and girl, in town, " He says, his words slurred and his eyes closed.

"Shut up, Bellamy. "

"No, you shut up! " He says playfully and followed by a giggle. He gets up from the couch and with a few more of his lazy steps, he walks towards her.

"Bellamy, seriously, leave. Go home, get sober and come back for Lexa's birthday party. We all want you here, just not when you're drunk and- "

"A dick, " Bellamy says as he looks to the ground. "I still miss you, Clarke. " He says. The words echo in Clarke's head and for a moment she thinks she might pass out. She tries to find the right thing to say, but when you're best friend's brother, the guy you once slept with, the guy that almost ruined the best thing has happened in your life - your relationship with Lexa, that is - stands in you living room, drunk and tired, and tells you he misses you, it's an impossible job. So Clarke just keeps quiet and avoids Bellamy's eyes as he stumbles out the front door.

When she hears Lexa shift in their bed, Clarke goes into the bedroom and gets underneath the sheets and tries to feel warm again. Suddenly her fingers are freezing and she's shuddering. Lexa turns and wraps her arms around Clarke's waist and holds her tight for a moment before she takes a deep breath.

"It's my birthday, " She says, her voice is nothing but a raw mumble, but her smile is everything Clarke needs at that moment.

***

It's the beginning of August, the 3rd, actually, and a leafs are starting to fall to the ground. A soft wind is howling through the windows and the sun that was shining earlier is now hidden behind many dark clouds. 

Clarke's phone rings, she reads the name on the screen and picks it up with a smile. 

"Octavia, " She says. Lexa is sitting on the couch, reading through a magazine she got from Raven a while ago about science. 

"Hey! So we just left to pick up Raven, Monty, Jasper and Bellamy, " She says with a cheerful voice. Clarke can hear Lincoln sitting next to her, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, matching the music bursting from the radio. 

"Great! We're almost ready here, too. " 

"Almost? We're there in 17 minutes, Clarke. " Octavia's exited voice turns into a panic and the music stops and Lincoln is no longer making a sound. 

"Uh, " Clarke says and looks at Lexa, trying not to laugh. She put the phone on speakerphone so that Lexa could talk to Octavia as well and now they're just both trying not to make a sound. "Everything is going to be perfect, Octavia. Don't worry! " Clarke says and Lexa gives her a thumbs up. 

"Telling me to not worry is like telling a human not to breath. I do it to survive, " Octavia says and neither Clarke or Lexa know is she's joking or not. 

"Okay, " Clarke says. "See you guys later, bye! " She says and hangs up right when Octavia is about to say some more. 

"This party is going to be insane, " Lexa says. Clarke hears the worry right away, so she sits down next to her on the couch. 

"It's going to be fun, okay? And if you get tired or anything, we'll just all have a little nap-break. They get it, " Clarke says and kisses Lexa on the corner of her mouth. It doesn't make Lexa feel better, but she gives a soft smile to Clarke and just hopes for the best. 

***

17 minutes later, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, Jasper, Monty and Bellamy are all bursting through the front door as they yell 'surprise' and start singing Happy Birthday. Clarke gets up from the couch and helps Lexa up as well, making sure her tube isn't caught on something. 

Octavia is instalty filling up the fridge with food and drinks, even though Clarke said she'd happily help with the dinner. Lincoln puts down the bag of Lexa's presents and greeds Clarke and Lexa with big, tight hugs. Jasper and Monty are fighting over something and from the look on Raven's face, Clarke can tell the entire ride over here has been about their fight. 

"If I don't get drunk tonight, I'll never forgive you, " Raven says as she hugs Clarke and then Lexa. 

"Same, " Lexa says. It's only at times like these that she notices how small the house is. She feels like everyone are everywhere and the air is getting harder and harder to keep in her lungs. She shoots Clarke a panicked look, but she doesn't notice it. Lexa checks her tank and she can now see that it's almost empty. Clarke normally never lets the tank get this empty. It's an odd sight to see the little red mark near the bottom of it. 

"Clarke, " Lexa says, but people are talking louder and louder as they pour drinks and opens bags of chips and mix up some homemade dip. 

Lexa fumbles for the handle of the tank and when Jasper and Monty finally move away from the door to the hallway, Lexa seizes the moment and goes for it. She takes fast steps down the hallway and into their bedroom. She finds a fresh tank under the bed and changes it, her hands are shaking rapidly, which just makes everything 10 times more difficult. 

A few knocks on the open door makes Lexa turn around and Clarke is standing there with a confused look on her face. 

"Shit, " She says and runs to Lexa and changes the tank in record-time. Lexa can instantly feel the fresh air in her lungs and the space around her grows 10 times bigger with every breath. 

"I'm so sorry, " Clarke says, she looks more panicked and hurt than Lexa. 

"It's okay, " Lexa smiles. She leans in and kisses Clarke gently on the forehead, resting her nose on Clarke's. 

"I didn't even think about it, " Clarke says, more to herself than to Lexa. 

"Me neither. Not until, you know, I couldn't really breathe. " Lexa jokes, but Clarke doesn't find it funny. 

"Clarke! " Raven calls form the hallway and the girls get up from the floor, hand in hand. 

"Ew, what are you doing? " Raven asks, fiddling with the wine glass in her hand. 

"Nothing. Just changing the tank, " Lexa says. 

"Is that a code word for sex? " Raven asks and laughs as she disappears from the doorway. 

"Let's party, " Lexa says and kisses Clarke on more time, this time on the corner of her lips to feel the smile as their lips touches. 

***

"So, you're saying that if I were to get a job as a lawyer then I'd- " 

"No! Because you'll never be able to get a job as a lawyer! " Monty says and throws his hands in the air. 

"But what if- " 

"Shut up! Both of you. " Raven yells and a silence falls upon the dinner table, which is filled with different games they've been playing for the past couple of hours. Dirty plates from the dinner are filling up the sink and the radio is playing christmas music in the background. Lexa is a big fan of christmas songs. 

"Present time? " Octavia smiles and looks towards the pile of presents on the floor next to the couch. 

"Really? " Lexa asks. She doesn't see why she needs to get presents. Why are they congratulating her on still being alive when it's a machine and a tank that's doing all the hard work for her. 

"Yup, come one. Let's all sit around the couch! " Octavia says and she grabs Lincoln's hand and drags him to the floor. 

Lexa sits on the couch, it's easier for her to get up from the couch than the floor, Clarke sits next to her and Raven, Monty, Jasper and Bellamy are all sitting in a half circle, along with Octavia and Lincoln, around the couch. 

"Here, " Raven says and gives Lexa a tiny, black box. It has a jewelry-company name on it, so Lexa handles it with care. She opens it slowly and looks down at the silver necklace. It has a tiny charm on it. It's a silver circle with the word 'grounder' on it. Lexa can feel tears starting to form in her eyes, so she closes the box and takes a few deep breaths. 

"Grounder, " Lexa whispers. She first stumbled upon the word when she got diagnosed. It was a young nurse telling her that she had to keep calm and be, what she called, a 'grounder'. Ever since then, Lexa has loved the word and always thought it fit perfectly. 

"We all tipped in, " Raven says with a big smile. 

Lexa can feel how her throat starts to hurt so she puts the box down and pushes the tears back with a thankful smile. She continues to open presents, receiving books, candles, a pair of headphones and a few beanies for when it starts to get colder outside. When she looks at the beanies she touches her bald head and her smile fades a little, but then Jasper gives her a smile and she remembers the day Jasper shaved his head for her to feel better about her first day getting chemo. 

When she opens the box with the candles she thinks about the night where Lincoln had forced them all to go camping, it was before Lexa got ill, and they all hated it until it got dark and they put out candles and told ghost-stories and Jasper got really scared and Monty got annoyed because Jasper forced him to cuddle with him through the entire night. 

When she opens the bag full of old books Bellamy had found at different vintage bookstores around the world, Lexa thinks about the day right before christmas and they were all looking for presents to each other around town and they all ended up in the same coffeeshop that had this wall of old bookcovers and Lexa said that she wanted to have a wall like that in the bedroom. 

She thinks about all of the memories that have followed her to the couch with her friends and she thinks about all of the memories she's going to miss when she's gone. She thinks about how it's so unfair that there are so many horrible people in this world that deserve to suffer and that she's the one who has to say goodbye to all of these people. She thinks about how long it will take for them to say her name without feeling sad and how long it will take Clarke to love again and if Clarke will keep living in their house or if it will be too painfull and if they'll go camping again or go to the coffeeshop again or if there will be too many memories that will hurt and now Lexa can't keep the tears back when she looks at their faces.

"I don't want to leave, " Lexa says and with those five words they all start crying, some more than others. Jasper more than the rest. No one knows what to say, because they all want to scream and shout that it's not fair and that whoever or whatever made this decease and gave it to Lexa should show it- or themself and say sorry and undo it.

But they also all know that that's not the way the world works, not matter how loud you scream or how much you beg. 

So they all just sit for a moment and try to keep the tears back and try not to sob too loud.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo, sorry i haven't been writing for a while. im crazy busy (lol no, just lazy)
> 
> but yeah, here's a new chapter. i haven't read it through so sorry for all of the spelling mistakes and all of that. just thought i'd post it now haha.

So as the guests empties their plates of dinner and desert and leave Clarke and Lexa's home, Lexa realizes that she's much too tired and this was the kind of things her doctor warned her about. But when she sees Clarke's smile, which is still on her lips, as she cleans up the dirty plates and the empty bottles of wine, Lexa thinks to herself that it's okay to risk it sometimes, because no matter what she will have this image of her girlfriend, happy and sleepy. 

***

It's been a month since Lexa's birthday. The new medicine she's been taking has made her lips a little blue and her skin a little pale, but her sleeping pattern is more normal and her and Clarke can go out during the day, because Lexa no longer needs a nap. Lexa can feel how Clarke is a lot more happy now. She's been redecorating the house with a few do-it-yourself-projects that she's found online and she's been working on her at a lot more. Abby is sending smaller and smaller checks because Clarke is making good, or at least better, money and she was all over the place with happy cries and big smiles when she payed for their phonebill with money she made herself. 

It's monday morning, the sun is shining through the grey clouds. Lexa sits on the couch, reading her magazine with Clarke standing near the window, painting. 

"When is the next chemo appointment? " Lexa asks. 

"Tomorrow morning. " Clarke smiles. It's the last one. Not because it's over or anything, but because Lexa's been doing chemo for so long, the doctors are afraid it might backlash at some point. So they made the decision to stop it instead of risking it. So after tomorrow Lexa is going to go through this new thing, it's like a needle-chemo. She's going to get a shot of some blue liquid every month. It's filled with tiny, little cells that are supposed to cling onto Lexa's lungs and strengthen them as well as kill the cancer that is around her chest. 

Lexa wishes the doctors hadn't looked so hopefull when they explained it to her and Clarke, because as Clarke's hand slipped into Lexa's, she could see the hopeful smile on Clarke's lips. It's a smile Lexa's thought she'd lost a year ago when Lexa got diagnosed. 

"Do you think my hair will grow out again? What if it's just forgotten how to grow and I'll just look like this old, bald man for the rest of my life, " Lexa says, just to change the topic.

"We can get you a wig, you know. If it's such a big problem, " Clarke says and puts the paintbrushes down. She's wearing an old shirt and black, lace underwear. All of it is ruined by the many paint splotches.

"Maybe. It's just a lot harder to get women when I'm bald, you know. Chicks don't really dig bald girls, " Lexa says and laughs when Clarke's shoots her look over the edge of the canvas. 

"I'll get you a wig tomorrow, " Clarke says and continues to paint. 

”It's okay. " Lexa runs her hand through her non existing hair and smiles at the thought of growing her hair long again. She stops the thought instantly, because growing her hair long again would take years, years that she doesn't have. 

***

Lexa has been doing the needle-chemo for two months now and the results are amazing. She's still using the tube and the tank, the doctors say that she always will, but her hair is growing slightly, her skin is looking fresh and she has more energy than ever.

But Lexa doesn't really care about all of that, all she cares about is Clarke and how happy she looks every time they drive home from the hospital or when she calls her mother to tell her about her day or when she invites over the group to let them in on everything. 

Lexa wishes the needle-chemo didn't hurt like hell and that it didn't make her throw up all the time. She's lost a lot of weight, but it's like Clarke doesn't want to notice it. She genuinely thinks Lexa might get well and everything will be alright again. But every time the visit the doctors, they always them Clarke and Lexa that Lexa won't be okay. That the new type of chemo won't make the cancer go away, only that it will push the deadline, as they like to call it, further and further away. They've given Lexa three years in just two months of needle-chemo. 

***

It's been six months of needle-chemo. The hospital called Lexa in an hour ago and Clarke is driving well over the speed limit. 

If you keep driving this fast we're going to actually need the hospital, Clarke. " Lexa puts her hand on Clarke's thigh but Clarke doesn't even notice. She just makes a right turn and parks outside the hospital, as close as possible to the entrance. It's still dark outside, that's how early it is. A few birds have woken up and are going throw the parking lot to find leftover food.

"Let's go, " Clarke says. She grabs her purse and helps Lexa out of the car even though Lexa's doing just fine. 

They walk inside just in time for the nurse to call Lexa's name. They follow her down the hallway that they know so well. Lexa sees a few familiar faces, Clarke is staring straight ahead, towards the doctors that are waiting outside Lexa's usual room. All the phonecall said was that some people who've been on the same medicine as Lexa and have received needle-chemo have had a major backlash and to prevent that from happening, Lexa had to come in right away. 

Lexa changes from her sweatshirt- and pants, to her hospital gown, which she's gotten used to by now. Clarke takes a seat next to Lexa in bed as the doctors start putting tubes and wires from machines and into Lexa. She flinches from the needles and fights the machines for a minute before letting them take full control of her breathing. They practically control her heartbeat. 

After half an hour of setting everything up, one of the doctors leave the room and they're now left with a nurse and a doctor. The nurse is cleaning up the mess as the doctor sits down on the other side of Lexa. He has a worried expression, which makes Clarke tighten the grip around Lexa's hand. 

"It's not an easy thing to say, " The doctor says. What a horrible start, Lexa thinks. He might as well say that they fucked up and that everything is over, she thinks. 

"The treatment you've been doing have gone really well for you, as you've probably noticed. " He smiles, slightly. "99 other patients have been under the same treatment. 90 of them have had a major backlash in the last week. 80 of them did not make it. This means that 10 people are fighting for their life right now. The 9 other people, who are doing fine, have all been called back to their local hospital for a check-up, just to make sure you're all right, " The doctor says. He takes a deep breath and for the first time ever, Lexa actually feels pity for someone else than herself. 

She thinks about how she's probably not the first person he's telling this to. All of the families, the people, who've lost someone during this week. He must've told so many people that their loved one died, because of a mistake the hospital had made.

"I don't want to get your hopes up, dear, so far it's not looking very good. " 

Clarke jumps up from her chair, it scares Lexa a bit. 

"You promised us three more years, " Clarke says. She doesn't sound angry or hurt, she sounds betrayed, broken, destroyed.

"I know. We will do everything we can to save this situation. For now all we can do is keep an eye on you. We'll make daily tests to see if anything's changed and- " 

"Three years, " Clarke repeats, fighting for air, or words. Lexa isn't sure. For a moment she feels like Clarke should be the one laying down, she looks pale and tired. 

"I'm sorry. I'll give you some time to process this, goodnight. " The doctor leaves the room with the nurse right behind him. Lexa's sure the nurse is crying, but that might be Lexa's own tears making everything fuzzy. 

The second they close the door, Clarke takes the tray of food the nurse put on the table next to them and throws is across the room with a loud cry. She falls to the floor, hitting her shoulder on the side of the bed and cries. Lexa doesn't know what to do. She's crying but she feels like laughing. She can't believe it. She can't believe she actually thought she'd make another three years. She was so dumb thinking that this magical new liquid could actually save her some time. 

She swings her legs over the bed, jumps down and sits down next to Clarke and lets Clarke fall into Lexa's lap. 

"It was too good to be true, " Lexa whispers, which makes Clarke cry even harder. Lexa can feel the tears stream from Clarke's eyes and onto her legs, through the dress. 

"It's not fair, " Clarke says, sniffling through forced breaths. 

***

At some point they must've gotten into bed, because Lexa wakes up, her arms wrapped around Clarke's body, and more sleepy than ever. The sun is shining through the curtains, it must be around midday. The tray Clarke threw across the room has been cleaned up and a new one has been places on the bedside table. Some fresh flowers and chocolate is on the table near the window, which probably means that she chocolate is completely melted. 

"Goodmorning, " Lexa says and kisses the top of Clarke's head. She noticed her breathing change a couple of minutes ago. Clarke doesn't say or do anything, she just stays there, wrapped in Lexa's arms with her eyes closed. 

It's only after about an hour, when a nurse knocks on the door and comes in with fresh water and juice, that Clarke decides to get up and take a shower. The nurse changes a few of the tubes on the machines, she's not as gentle as the nurse last night, but Lexa hides the prickling pain behind a kinds smile. 

When Clarke comes back out she has a towel wrapped around her hair and she's wearing the same clothes from yesterday, a pair og soft, grey sweatpants that are much too big and a t-shirt with a couple of stains on it. She doesn't look like she care. 

Lexa wants to ask Clarke why she's acting so weird, but she already knows the answer. Clarke is going through the pain of realising she's going to loose Lexa sooner than expected. She already did that almost two years ago, it's not easier the second time. 

"I'm going to call Octavia and the rest. " Clarke's voice is cold and somehow it feels numb to Lexa. Clarke explains what has happened for almost an hour as she calls person after person.

"When are the doctors coming for the checkup? " Lexa asks, but Clarke nods her off when she's ended the call with her mother. "Clarke, " Lexa says and sits up a bit more. She can feel her fingers and toes are getting cold. 

"I don't know, Lexa. " Clarke doesn't even look up from her phone. Lexa wants to tell Clarke that they'll get through this, that everything will be fine, that she feels okay. But all of that is a lie and she can't lie to Clarke. "Abby is coming. She'll be here in a few minutes, " Clarke says. It's been a while since they've last talked to Abby. She's always busy with her work, plus, in the beginning of Clarke and Lexa's relationship, Abby wasn't really supportive. Then Lexa got diagnosed and from that point, Lexa always felt like Abby was obligated to like her. 

"I'll take shower, then. " Lexa swings her legs over the edge of the bed and jumps down. The cold tiles hit her feet and for a second it feels like she's forgotten how to walk, or even stand. She feels lightheaded, her fingers are pulsing and she's trying to keep her breathing slow and steady. 

"Stay in bed. " A nurse takes another step into the room. She's dressed in all-white like the rest of the staff. Lexa falls back into bed with a loud sigh. "Dramatic, " The nurse says with a kind smile. She's young, Lexa's sure it's the same nurse from last night. Clarke takes a seat in the chair next to Lexa's bed. 

"We'll just take a few blodtests and then we're done, " The nurse says with a smile. She sits down next to Lexa, pokes her a few times, gets a couple tubes of blood and as she's packing up her stuff, Abby knocks on the door.

"Hey, " She says. The nurse instantly recognizes Abby, so she puts on an even brighter and more energized smile. Abby's not the boss of the hospital, but everyone knows that if you want to go anywhere in your career, Abby is the one to befriend. "You can leave. " Abby smiles and closes the door after the nurse.

Clarke walks into her mother's arms and stays there just long enough the ensure Lexa that Clarke is crying, then again, the odd breathing and sniffling into Abby's clothes does give it away. 

"Clarke, maybe you could get us some cold water? Or ice-chips? " Abby asks her daughter when they let go of each other. Clarke turns to look at Lexa, as to check on her one last time before leaving the room for the first time ever. Even when she was in the shower the door was open and Lexa could see that Clarke had hung up her clothes so that they would be easier to get to, if something was to happen. 

"It's okay, Clarke. She'll be fine. " Abby smiles, sometimes Lexa forgets that Abby is Clarke's mother and that she knows her daughter way better than Lexa does. She's not the only one who can read Clarke, just with one look. 

So as Clarke leaves the room, makes sure not to close the door completely, Abby walks over to Lexa and puts the back of her hand against Lexa's forehead. 

"It's not looking good, is it? " Lexa says, her voice weaker than expected. Abby is not like any other doctor. She doesn't avoid eye contact when things get real, she doesn't put on a fake smile to cheer up her patients. She's so real it's almost scary. Lexa really likes that about her. 

"They gave you three years. You're down to three weeks. " Abby's voice is cold. She contemplates grabbing Lexa's hand through the blanket, but they both know it'd be too real and even if they don't have the best relationship with each other, neither of them can stop tears from falling, thinking about how much this is going to hurt Clarke. 

Lexa doesn't know how to react. In a way she's relieved, she hates herself for even feeling slightly happy about it. It's not that she wants to leave. But everything hurts, her body, her head. It's all numb from the needles, tubes, chemo, staying strong for other people. It's a constant weight that is on her shoulders, it's invisible for everyone else to see, but it's always reminding her that she'll never be okay.

"That fucking sucks, " Lexa says. Normally she'd be terrified of swearing in front of Abby, but this seamed like the right time to spill the F-word. 

"It does. It really fucking sucks, " Abby says with a kind smile. 

"Please, don't tell Clarke, " Lexa says. "If i have to spend my last three weeks looking at Clarke's tears... I won't make it three weeks, Abby. " Lexa looks up at Abby with pleading eyes. 

"I can't lie to her, Lexa. " 

"You won't have to. I'll just tell her that they don't know how long I've got. Please, " Lexa says. 

"When Jake died I thought my life was over. Clarke was so little, so young. She didn't understand what had happened. For years I was broken, destroyed. I thought that I would never be okay again. Jake was the love of my life, Lexa. He meant everything to me, before Clarke came along, of course. What I'm trying to say is... Clarke will never be the same when all of this is over. She'll be hurt for a long time. She'll think her life is over and that nothing matters anymore. And I know, that's a horrible thing for you to think of. But just remember that time passes, so does people. Her heart will heal, it will take years, but it will heal. Don't spend your time here with us, thinking about how big of a scar you will give Clarke, spend your time thinking about how many wonderful feelings and memories you will leave her, Lexa. We will all miss you and you will always be with us. " 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so since it took me a pretty long time to write the last chapter, i'll be doing something a little different for this one. 
> 
> this is a "flashback" to when it all started, i guess. 
> 
> i've been trying to put in some more information on the beginning throughout the fic, but i feel like i want an entire chapter to be about the start of it all!
> 
> hopefully this is okay
> 
> also it's taken me a million years to write these chapters so here's the chapter and i haven't foolproof read it so sorry lol

It started as any other love story. They looked at each other, one of them blushed, the other one had already been crushing on her for days. They were so young, 17 in fact. They didn't know that that one weird kiss at the top of the hill behind the trees and bushes on the school field trip would mean so much. Then they turned 18, 19, 20. People thought they were crazy for still being together. Neither of them had been in a serious relationship before and suddenly they were in the best relationship anyone could ask for. 

They were in love and everything was fine. 

21, 22, 23. One month before she would turn 24 and she's had a cold for a week now. Clarke had told her a million times to go to the doctor and get a check-up. But doctors cost money that Lexa would rather spend on Clarke. In the end, when there were only one week 'til her birthday she decided to go. Clarke followed her into the doctors office and then left again. She had to get back to work, she was meeting a buyer for one of her paintings. She'd wanted to stay but Lexa had told it was fine. 

So as Lexa sat in the uncomfortable, plastic chair with the green and grey dots on, making her feel like she was in a children's playroom, she the doctor looked at her with an indescribable look. The doctor, she just felt so much pity for Lexa in those thirty seconds it took for her to describe what was wrong with Lexa.

"I've looked at the tests and, there's no easy way for me to say this, trust me, but i can see a dark spot on your right lung. It's travelled down to the middle of your stomach, which is very normal. But it looks like it's not stuck onto something, which is something I've never seen before. " She stopped talking when she looked back at Lexa and saw how confused she was.

"It's cancer, dear. You have cancer. " 

Lexa didn't know how to react. The many years of hiding everything, every problem, from people was no practice for this moment. She could see the rest of her life before her eyes. A life at a hospital and sad eyes and doctors. 

"I'm so sorry, " The doctor continued. "Do you have anyone with you here? " She placed a hand on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa just nodded. the doctor continued to speak about different methods to prevent the tumor from spreading.

***

As Lexa stood outside the hospital, a phone number from the doctor in the back pocket of her loose, denim jeans, she thought she might've heard wrong. That she wasn't sick. That stuff only happens in movies, it doesn't happen in real life, and especially not to her. She's never smoked a cigarette, never really have real candles. She's never done anything wrong and now some stranger in a big building is telling her she's sick? 

No way.

But when Clarke pulls up to the sidewalk, leans over to the seat next to her own and opens the car door with a slightly concerned look on her face, Lexa can't keep a straight face. She falls to the pavement and lets out a long, struggling breath. Clarke jumps out of the car and runs to her girlfriend. 

"Lexa! " She cries as she gets down on her knees in front of her, holding her shoulders tightly. 

Lexa thinks about how to tell her. No sugarcoating, Clarke is the type that needs the facts and nothing else. Get to the problem and we'll find a solution, together. 

"I have cancer, " Lexa says and she can feel how the word makes it real. How a weight that she didn't even realize was on her shoulders, suddenly feel even deeper onto her, making her rest her head on Clarke's shoulder. 

The trip home was horrible. No one said anything, no one did anything. Clarke drove to their tiny house, Lexa sat and changed the song on the radio multiple times. She hates commercials. She always though life's too short to listen to commercials. Now it really is. 

Clarke opens the front door, walks inside and drops everything in the floor. 

"Are you in pain? " Clarke's voice is shaky. Her tears have left streaks down her face were her makeup used to sit. She has back under her eyes from crying and rubbing them in the car, trying to stay focused. They probably shouldn't let people drive home when they've just told you you're going to die and/or someone you love is going to die. It's not safe. 

"I don't know, " Lexa says. Because she doesn't know. She just feels tired and, maybe, her chest hurts but it's done that for a while. Maybe she's had cancer for a while. Just because she knows she has cancer doesn't mean she's going to pass out this very moment. It's not the word that does the killing, it's the fucking tumor.

"What do we do now? " Clarke says. 

"I don't know, " Lexa answers.

"I'll call my mom, " Clarke says, she doesn't know what else to do and calling her mom seems like something you'd do at a situation like this. Lexa doesn't know if she should call someone. She doesn't really have any family other than Clarke to call. Should she call her friends? They'd probably want to now. Should she tell them over the phone? It doesn't seem durable to call that many people, one at a time, to say you've got cancer. They'd probably want to know more than that. Lexa wants to know more than that. Or does she? What if it just gets worse from here?

The word doesn't do the killing, it's everything after the word. It's the part were she stays at the hospital for so long she starts to learn the staff's names and what's on the menu each day. It's the part were she starts to look ill, bald, weak, thin. She doesn't know anything about the illness, she doesn't know anything about the black spot on the photo of the insides of her stomach the doctor showed her. 

Clarke comes back about twenty minutes later. Lexa is sat on the couch with a book in her hands but she's not reading it. She hasn't even opened it. She's not even trying. 

"She's on her way. She just needs to get off from work and then she'll take a cab or something. She said we're going to talk about what'll happen from now on. Whatever than means, " Clarke says. But Lexa knows what it means. It means that they're going to talk about everything Lexa is going to go through and all of the stuff they can't afford and- 

The doorbell rings. 

"I texted Octavia when you were in... There, " Clarke says. "I forgot all about it. " Clarke turns from the couch and to the hallway. She almost runs to the door, opens it and she was right, Octavia and Lincoln are now standing inside their house, chatting about stuff Lexa can't really hear. 

"You didn't text back and since we were already out we'd just stop by. Maybe we could order some pizzas and watch a movie or something? " Octavia says. It might seem odd to some people that Octavia and Lincoln, mostly Octavia, are just bursting in uninvited or anything. But Octavia has a thing for visiting and hanging out. It's something that took a very long time for Lexa to deal with, especially when Clarke and Lexa moved in together and Octavia learnt the route to their house without needing Google Maps.

"Uhm, yeah. Okay, " Clarke says with a smile. Lexa doesn't even get up from the couch to greet them. Something about feeling, sort of, fine and not actually being fine feels odd to her. "We should talk, actually. "

Clarke pulls them over to the couch. They all sit down on it, except for Lincoln, for some reason he prefers the floor. 

"So as you know, Lexa went to the hospital today for a checkup and... " Clarke tries, her voice dies out. She puts a hand on the top of Lexa's thigh to signal to her that she should tell them. 

"What is it? " Octavia says. Her back stiffens. She tugs at her long, black hair. It's braided loosely and it hangs over her left shoulder. 

"I'm ill. I have cancer, apparently. " Lexa nods to her own words, as if she's just decided that's the way she's going to tell everyone from now on. Six words that are hurting more and more every time she thinks about them. 

"No, " Octavia says. "No, no, no, no. " She continues. She's a broken record. She's broken. Lexa hasn't even given everyone else a thought. Then again, she's only known for about one or two hours. Maybe it was too soon to tell them. It probably was. 

Lincoln puts his warm hand on Lexa's shoulder. She sits up straight with her hands folded in her lap. She brushes a strand of loose hair away form her face. Her eyes are empty, she can't feel it herself. She's looking at the people around her, but she sees nothing. She can hear the questions pouring out of Octavia and Clarke telling her they don't know much yet. That they're going to the hospital tomorrow after they've checked Lexa's insurance and everything. 

After an hour they leave. 

***

After an hour Abby arrives. 

"It's going to be very hard, for the both of you, " She says as the first thing. Her and Clarke are sitting at the kitchen island, Lexa's still on the couch, holding her book tighter and tighter. 

"Since they, we, don't know exactly what type of cancer it is yet, we don't know what treatment you're going to get. I'm guessing you'll eventually use a tank and tube, of course. From the information and pictures they gave you, it looks like an odd kind of lungcancer. But I'm not sure, okay? You'll start chemo as soon as possible. You'll throw up, a lot. You'll feel worse and worse and then you'll get better, hopefully. " 

Lexa likes the way Abby says all of this. No sugarcoating. Just hard facts and words, filling you up with more and more fear. Clarke is drinking another cup of coffee, stirring in the few drops of milk she "needs". 

"I'll sleep on the couch, if you want me to. And then I can go with you to the hospital tomorrow. I need to tell them I'm not going to work anyway, so it'll work out fine, " Abby says.

Then they all go to bed and try and forget what a crazy day it's been. 

None of them forget.

None of them sleep.

***

They all sit in Abby's car the next morning, Lexa's feeling worse and worse and she doesn't know if it's because of the cancer or the thought of cancer. Abby's driving, Clarke is sitting next to Lexa in the backseat on black leather seats in the fancy, black car. Abby's talking to someone on the phone, she has her headphones in but that doesn't make it any better. Neither Clarke or Lexa feel like taking that battle up, not right now, anyway. 

It's getting more and more grey outside, matching the insides of Lexa. The wind is blowing around the car, they can almost feel it. The window in the roof of the car is covered in leafs, all different shades og brown. A slight rain is starting and the last thing Lexa remembers before falling asleep is the sound of the windscreen wiper and the nurturing touch of Clarke's hand on her shoulder. 

"Lexa, " Clarke whispers and she wakes up instantly, looking outside the window she can see the hospital building, rising weirdly majestic in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but a parking lot to keep it company. 

"Yeah, sorry. " Lexa smiles and gets out of the car. 

They take the elevator to the fourth floor, The Cancer Floor, Lexa thinks. People are walking around on the hall. It looks like something out of a horror movie, Lexa thinks. People have dead looks in their eyes, they're skinny and pale-looking. They're wearing those horrible hospital dresses that they force you to wear, they're either carrying som sort of bag with a strange liquid or a tank with a tube connected to it. Lexa doesn't know which one is worse. 

"Lexa Woods? " A nurse smiles to Clarke and Lexa. 

"That's me, " Lexa says, she wishes her voice wasn't so shaky. She also wishes Abby would leave, not because she doesn't want her here, but she has a feeling that she might break down soon and she doesn't want Abby to see that. She's never really liked her, this shouldn't change anything. 

"Great! Follow me and I'll show you your room. We'll get started on the different tests right away. Your doctor will be here soon, " She says and does as she told them. 

Lexa lays down in the bed after getting changed to white dress made out of a fabric Lexa isn't even sure you could call fabric. The doctor is setting up different needles, tube, bags and other horrible metal gear. No one is saying anything, no one knows what to say. They're all just sitting or standing around the bed, looking like they're the ones getting pricked by needles.

"There we go, " The doctor says as he puts tiny cotton ball and some sticky tape on Lexa's arm the few spots she's been pricked.

***

The next few days are crazy. People are constantly walking in and out the door of Lexa's room, doctors, nurses, their friends, everyone. Somehow Lexa's the main attraction of the hospital at the moment. They still don't know exactly what type of tumor is growing inside of her, all they know is that it's effecting her lungs badly. They're saying she needs to start using the tank and tube soon, but they want to see how long Lexa can go without it. She's basically the test subject. 

One of the doctors told her that he's never seen anything like her. They're all talking about it in a good way, like it's a miracle or something idiotic like that. But she knows what it is. It's something killing her, making her life shorter than Clarke's. That's the scary part, the fact that she now, almost for sure, is going to die before Clarke. At some point she's going to leave Clarke to go for the rest of her life on her own, in a way. 

"You're doing really good, Lexa. I'm so proud of you. " Clarke smiles as she gets into the hospital bed with Lexa. Her hands are cold, she's just been outside saying goodbye to Abby. Abby took a few days off so that she could be with them. Lexa's sure that she just wanted to be with Clarke, in case anything really bad happened. Although, Abby was being really nice to Lexa, even when Clarke wan't anywhere near the room. And it didn't feel like pity, at all, actually. It felt like she actually wanted to spent some time with Lexa, for real. 

"I'm just getting poked and stuff, Clarke. " Lexa kisses the top of Clarke's forehead. It's cold. 

"You're also getting treated like a zoo animal and a pincushion. You're doing great, okay? Let me pep you up a bit, Jesus. " Clarke laughs. 

***

The chemo starts the day after Lexa's started using the tank. The doctors said they didn't want the two new things to start at the same time, but that they fucked up the schedule somehow and now Lexa has to get used to two new things very fast and just the though of that is stressing her out. 

But it's monday, a new week, and she's sitting in a long room with chairs on either side of it. A few people are sitting in the chairs. All of them have needle in their arm, a tube going from the needle to a bag on a stand next to them. They're all bald. That's the first thing Lexa notices, actually. Without thinking about it she grabs a lock of her long, brown hair as a goodbye. It's stupid, it's just hair. It's not the worst thing to lose when it comes to this whole cancer thing. 

The worst thing to lose is your life. 

She gets the needle put in, Clarke by her side, holding her hand. Lexa didn't know what she'd expected from the chemo. She thinks that maybe she'd imagined it feeling like a strange source of energy zooming through her body, killing every cancer cell inside of her. 

She was wrong, of course. 

It doesn't feel like anything. It feels like a needle in her arm and Clarke's hand in hers. 

After about twenty minutes she throws up in the bucket standing next to her chair. Clarke holds the brown hair away form the bucket. When Lexa's done Clarke gets her a glass of water and a piece of gum. About ten minutes later Lexa does the whole thing over again, and so does Clarke. 

***

Six months with chemo and nothing's getting better. Nothings getting worse either, so that's probably a good thing. But for some reason Lexa feels like the chemo lied to her, like the liquid in the bag on the stand said it would cure her and that she'd be fine by now, but sic months later nothing's happened. She's just as sick as she is healthy. That's what the doctors are saying, as if it makes sense. 

It doesn't. 

Lexa is laying in bed with a photoalbum Octavia has made. It's filled with pictures from school, when they all first met. Those pictures fill up about half of the book. The next few photos are birthdays, concerts, dinner nights at Clarke and Lexa's house. Then comes the photos Lexa doesn't like. It's all of the photos of the "fight" so far. It's photos of when Lexa tried the tank ofr the first time, when she came out of chemo for the first time. 

The only photo she likes is the photo were she's standing in front of the bathroom in her room at the hospital, next to Jasper. They both have a razor in their hand and they're both bald. Lexa, of course, had been bold for a few days, but Jasper caught her crying about it when she though she was alone. Then he ran into her room, took the shaver from the bathroom and shaved it all off. She even helped him get the bits in the back he couldn't see in the mirror. 

She doesn't think she's ever been so happy throughout the last six months. The pictures after that are all taken with weeks between them. That's when she was told she only had about six months left. Then Clarke and Octavia and Raven stopped taking photos because no one wants to see pictures of sad people. Also, it's not really fair to pull out a camera and take pictures of people when they're crying about going to die. 

She does that a lot lately. Mainly when she's alone with Clarke. 

Clarke cries a lot too. 

Everyone does.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've decided that the next chapter is going to be the last, sorry
> 
> i feel like i've had a lot of time to think about how i'm going to end this story and i've something pretty "good" planned (hopefully)
> 
> anyway, hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter, thanks
> 
> <3

A week of not telling Clarke a thing is easier than Lexa thought it'd be. The hard part is changing the subjects whenever Clarke tries to ask the doctors if they've found out when Lexa's going to... Pass away. Lexa just says she feels a little dizzy or she needs some cold water. She even managed to piss of Clarke for a solid two minutes one day, that's something that hasn't happened in a year or so.

"Why are you so obsessed with knowing when I'm going to die? Do you have somewhere to be? Oh, my God, Clarke! You have a date! " Lexa laughs. Clarke gives her a slight push in the bed as she sits down next to her. 

"I just want to know how long we've got, Lexa. Time is a- " 

"Please don't do the whole time-is-a-presious-thing-speach. " Lexa smiles. She places a gentle kiss on the back of Clarke's hand, there's some smeared ink on it from pens and markers. "You've been drawing, " Lexa lets go of Clarke's hand and looks at her with a surprised look on her face. 

"You were asleep and I though I might as well, " Clarke says, almost scared of Lexa's reaction. "I'm sorry? " Clarke ads.

"Don't be. I'm happy that you're drawing again. Seriously. It's been so long, " Lexa says. She can't stop herself from smiling. Her cheeks are starting to hurt. 

"Okay, easy, Mr. " She laughs. "Jasper and Raven are coming over in a few minutes to say hi to you. " That makes Lexa smile even brighter. Everyone's been really busy lately, too busy to actually come see Lexa and Clarke. It makes Lexa sad, but she knows they're sadder. They're the ones sitting at work thinking about how they're missing their dying friend's last days, because apparently NASA or some company is more important. 

"I'll take shower, then. " Lexa lifts herself out of bed and drags the tank with her. It's heavier than normal, Lexa thinks.

***

After about ten minutes when Lexa's out of the shower, wearing clean sweatpants and a loose tanktop, Raven and Jasper are already sitting at the end of her bed, waiting for her. 

"Hey guys! " Lexa says as she struggles to keep the door to the bathroom open as she pulls the tank with her. The tube gets caught on the doorknob, one of the wheels on the tank is stuck behind the doorframe and as Lexa pulls, the tube falls out of her nose and she can't really get it free from the door. Jasper and Raven jumps out of the bed to help her, but Clarke's there first, ready to rip the door off it's hinges to get Lexa free. 

Clarke gets the tube untangled and helps Lexa put if back to her nostrils. Clarke drags the tank right behind Lexa as they all, Jasper and Raven too, go to the bed. 

"That was dramatic, " Jasper says with a bright smile from the end of the bed, Raven next to him, Clarke and Lexa in from of them.

"Doing my best, " Lexa says and they all laugh a little. 

"Ready for the stupid question? " Raven smiles.

"Bring it on, " Lexa says. 

"How are you doing? " Raven asks. 

They all laugh a little again. Whenever something is just slightly funny, they all feel like laughing. As if they don't laugh enough when they're all here, they will regret it. 

"I'm doing okay. I'm needing the tank more and more, the doctors say that it's normal when it's getting closer to the end, I guess. But yeah, one of the nurses is really nice. He keeps bringing me Twinkies and stuff like that, so that's great. " They all laugh. 

"I'm happy to hear that, " Raven says. 

"Yeah, " Jasper says. 

"So... How long? " Raven asks. She can't even look at Lexa. They have so much history together, the two of them. They pretty much fought through highschool together. It was Raven who helped Lexa through those awkward few days in highschool when people kept asking Lexa if it was true that she's gay. Raven ended up making a poster on Lexa's locker that said "YUP I'M GAY. WANNA DATE ME? FIGHT ME? TALK TO RAVEN REYES! " It was the best thing that happened all school year, even though Lexa wasn't a big fan of it the first few hours. Then a beautiful, blonde girl named Clarke Griffin talked to Raven and said that she'd like to sleep in the same tent as Lexa on the next school field trip and then, well, you know. 

"We don't know yet, " Clarke says. There's some sort of tensity in her voice that makes Lexa tense up herself. She thinks that Clarke might know that Lexa knows and that she doesn't want to tell her. But if Clarke really knows that Lexa knows how long she's got, she'd torment her until she got the answer. Not a moment of silence. 

"Really? " Jasper says, looking back and forth between Lexa and Clarke. 

"Really. " Clarke answers as she gets out of the bed. "I'll get something to eat for all of us. " She leaves the room and, of course, makes sure not to close the door behind her. Even though she's going to be so far away that she can't hear them in the room and it doesn't even make much of a difference, she just does it anyway. 

"So, have long do you have left? " Raven asks again, picking at a piece of paper from the pocket of her bomber jacket. 

"Two weeks, " Lexa says. She can almost feel whatever thoughts and feelings are going through Raven, and Jasper. They're both quiet, no words are suitable at a moment like this. Raven stops picking at the paper, Jasper looks like he stopped breathing completely. 

"That's soon, " Raven says, her voice is struggling to even make a sound, to be heard. 

"Fourteen days. " Lexa shifts to sit up a little more. "It's not long, but it's what I can get, " She says and tries to actually mean it. She tries to hold back the feeling that has been stuck in the back of her throat since they told her. 

"Why haven't you told Clarke? " Jasper asks, he sounds hurt. 

"I don't want the last days together to be about the end. I want her to think there's still time and things to see and do. I don't want her to know that soon it's over and I don't want her to think about me leaving, okay? " Lexa takes a deep breath. "So, please don't tell her. I don't want you to lie or come up with anything crazy, just don't answer her if she asks and then I'll be the one who's lying. " 

They all nod in agreement, even though Jasper takes a little longer to get on board. After losing Maya he's been struggling a lot. 

"The group is falling apart, " Jasper says after a few minutes of silence. "We lost Maya and Finn. We're losing you, " He says. Raven flinches when he mentions Finn. "God knows what the hell's happening with Bellamy. " He continues. 

He's right, is all Lexa can think. The group really is falling apart, and in the worst way possible. One thing is when people drift apart, stop talking and don't even smile or say hi if they see each other. Another thing is when the group is torn apart by thing you can't do anything about. Maya and Finn died together in a car crash. They were leaving work, they used to work together at an office building half an hour from town, and suddenly the brake broke on Finn's car and they crashed into a pit at the side of the rode, both of them died on the spot. 

It's something they never talk about anymore. At some points, they don't even think about it. 

Lexa's afraid they'll stop thinking about her too, but she doesn't say anything. She doesn't want them to feel guilty about moving on. She looks down at the clean, white sheets on her bed and sees that Jasper and Raven are holding hands. They're clutched together so tightly they're knuckles are turning white. 

She doesn't say anything about that either. 

***

After three solid hours of talking about everything, eating the horrible hospital food Clarke got for them and then playing a few rounds of their commercial game on TV. They go to the channel where they send nothing but ads for weird "everyday" objects and then they make something up for the objects and the one with the funniest answer wins. 

It's always Jasper. 

Raven is a horrible loser but for some reason she seems to agree when Clarke and Lexa are saying his was the funniest. 

They get send home by a nurse, she tells them it's time for Lexa to relax a little and take a break from watching TV. They all look at each other and grin when she mentions the TV, it's their game and it's like a long held secret not to let anybody in on it.

But the nurse is right, as soon as Jasper and Raven leaves the room and she lays down in bed she feels her eyelids fall down and the darkness that comes with it feels nice and cozy. There's nothing she wants more than to sleep at this moment. 

But then Clarke suddenly gets up in bed and shifts herself on top of Lexa and when she looks at the pretty, blonde hair falling down from Clarke's perfect face, she knows she won't be getting any sleep right now. 

***

Everything hurts all of a sudden and she can't seem to understand why. She knows she has the tube in because she can feel it rest under her nose and behind her neck. Something's wrong and her chest hurts, no, her lungs hurt, no, her fingers hurt. They're cold. Getting colder. It's so dark, though. Why is it so dark? What time is it? She feels like she's been asleep for hours, days maybe. Did something happen? Why does it hurt so much? This is so weird.

Where's Clarke? She should be here. She was here when she fell a sleep, she should be here. Her chest is hurting more and more. Make it stop, please, is all she can think. Clarke, please, make it stop. She tries to scream but that makes it worse. Are her eyes open? She tries to lift her hands to her face to check but they hurt. And now her stomach hurts. And she feels so tired but she can't sleep because she's in pain. 

Make the pain stop, make it stop, stop stop stop. It's all she's thinking, why is this happening?

And then it hits her. 

This is it. This is the end. This is where it stops.

But it doesn't. The pain doesn't stop and she doesn't understand why. All the times she's read about death, people are saying it's going to be easy and pain free. There is nothing easy or pain free about this. 

This hurts. 

What they said was bullshit. She's crying now, or at least she thinks she is. She wants to cry, that way she can make a sound. That way someone can hear her and come and get her or wake her up or do something about the pain that is moving through her body.

Clarke, she tries to scream or say or whisper. Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. Please, Clarke. Please come and get me, she thinks, over and over again she listens to Clarke's name going through her head and nothing happens. She has always thought of Clarke always being there and how sometimes she wishes Clarke could just relax and maybe have a little time of her own. But now she doesn't want Clarke to be anywhere but with her. 

She wants Clarke to lay next to her or to hold her hand or to pretend like everything's going to be okay. 

She wants Clarke.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is, the last chapter.
> 
> i wrote it in one sitting and i've read through it a couple of times. i really wanted to get this right, i REALLY hope you'll enjoy this
> 
> also
> 
> maybe get some tissues or something. i needed that as i was writing this so yeah, idk
> 
> sorry?

_Lexa opens her eyes to see her bedroom. It's lit up by the sun, streaming it's wonderful, warm, colors through the gaps of the curtain in front of the window. Lexa can see the dust flying around them. She feels energized and fresh, it's a strange feeling because it comes to her so unexpected._

_She doesn't remember anything, she doesn't know she doesn't remember anything. To her, all of this feels normal. She's just woken up, she's just gotten out of bed, wearing a long, loose t-shirt and some panties she's had forever. Clarke is half asleep in the middle of the bed, she likes to take up as much room as possible. She's naked, Lexa smiles to herself. She lets her hand fall to the lower part of Clarke's back._

_"I'll make some breakfast, " She says in a low whisper. Clarke mumbles something but seems to fall asleep again with a soft smile on her face. Lexa has this strange feeling in her stomach, it's like something's off and she can't seem to put a finger on it._

_She walks out of their bedroom and into the kitchen, she feels weightless. Like somethings she's been struggling with, or been fighting has finally let go of her. It's strange. Everything about this moment is strange._

_She starts to make pancakes, all of the ingredients are in one drawer, even the milk and eggs. They should be in the fridge but Lexa doesn't seem to think much of it. She mixes everything together, doesn't measure anything, it's like she knows the recipe by heart._

_The pan is already on the stove, it's warm. She touches it and she can feel the heat beneath her finger, it doesn't hurt or get any hotter. Slowly she empties the bowl of pancake mix into the pan, it starts sizzling right away. She flips it and it's golden brown on one side. After a few seconds she flips it again, golden brown. She puts the pancake onto the plate next to her, there are already about seven pancakes on the plate, perfectly cooked, perfectly brown._

_She takes the plate and puts it on the tray, there's already coffee, syrup, Nutella, juice and a small bouquet of flowers on it. Lexa doesn't even think twice about all of the things already being ready. Everything's fine, she thinks._

_She gets into bed and they eat the breakfast together. Lexa can see how Clarke picks little pieces of the pancakes off with her long, skinny fingers and smiles whenever she swallows a piece._

_"Let's go for a walk, " Lexa smiles. She doesn't even know what time it is, she just wants to go outside._

_She wants to be with Clarke right now._

***

Clarke screams for a doctor, nurse, her mother, someone, the second she gets woken up by Lexa having some sort of seizure. She's laying next to her, shaking with her eyes closed. There's vomit down her neck and around her mouth. Blood is mixed with it, everything's a mess. 

Clarke jumps out of bed and runs to the door. She rips it open and screams again, a young nurse comes running to her, asking her over and over again what's the matter. Clarke can't get her words out. She's panicking more and more. She just points to Lexa in the bed. 

The nurse runs to Lexa, she presses some buttons next to the bed, Clarke thinks it's to get a doctor or something, because after what feels like hours, it's probably just a minute or so, two doctors and another nurse come running past Clarke and into the room. 

The nurse that first came when Clarke screamed walks over to her and leads her out of the room. 

"No, stop! She needs my help! Stop! " Clarke yells to the lady. The nurse has short, black hair and light, grey eyes. They're soft and calm, but her voice is strong. And it's telling Clarke to calm down and call her family or friends so she doesn't have to be alone at a time like this. Clarke doesn't understand what the nurse means by 'a time like this' but she doesn't want to ask.

She walks with fast steps, she shouldn't do that because she feels a little dizzy, over to the phone on the wall. It's painted bright blue. It's probably for everyone to see it, Clarke thinks. She presses her mother's phone number in and waits for it to stop ringing. 

"Hello? " Abby says. 

"Mom, " Clarke says. She can't even keep her voice calm. She's shaking, she's just realized how much she's shaking. 

"I'll be there in 20 minutes, Clarke. It's going to be okay, " Abby says and hangs up the phone. Clarke can almost hear her mother getting out of bed and into her car, driving faster than she should, risking it more than she should, to get to her. The thought of her mother coming to her calms Clarke down a little. 

As she types in Octavia's phone number she stops shaking. It gets better with every phone number, Raven, Jasper, Monty and she tries to call Bellamy but he doesn't pick up. She doesn't really care. She can't care at this moment. 

In twenty minutes they'll all be here. In twenty minutes they'll all be together and they'll get through whatever the fuck is happening. 

***

_Lexa walks with slow steps. Leaves are falling down in front of her, it's like a snowstorm but in brown, yellow and orange. People are all around them, she's never seen the streets so crowded before. It's so nice to see people._

_But she doesn't see the people, she sees their clothes. She sees how one of them is wearing loose, denim jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and an oversized bomber_ _jacket. Black on the outside and red, maybe more orange, on the inside. It's Jasper's clothes. But when Lexa thinks about what Jasper looks like she just nows the guy walking past them isn't Jasper._

_After a few minutes the same thing happens again. A girl wearing layer upon layer of different shades of black clothes, a t-shirt, a cardigan, a jacket, black jeans with rips on the knees and oversized black boots. Leather belts and silver jewelry, everything Octavia would wear. But it's not Octavia._

_It keeps happening. Soon after the second incident, Lexa sees another girl wearing everything Raven would wear, then Monty, then Lincoln. Her heart starts beating faster and faster and her head starts spinning. Something hurts in her chest and she doesn't know what it is._

_She looks down at her hand, it's intertwined with Clarke's. The feeling of Clarke's hand, wrapped tightly around her own makes her slow her breathing and calm down. It's better now. It doesn't hurt now._

***

Clarke sits down on a little stool outside of Lexa's room. Doctors are talking and walking around behind the door. Clarke could just get up and looks through the window on the other side of the wall, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to see whatever's happening on the other side of that door. 

After 15 minutes her mother runs out of the elevator and into Clarke's open arms. 

"What's happening? " Abby asks and sits down next to Clarke, one hand on Clarke's. 

"I don't know. I woke up and she was seizing or something and then I called for help and they threw me out and... " Clarke's voice dies out from the cries. Her lip is trembling. 

"It's okay, sweetie. Calm down. They're doing everything they can, alright? Did you call your friends? " Abby says and tries to give an eased smile. She puts on her doctor-voice because she doesn't know how to sound optimistic in a situation like this otherwise. 

"They're on their way, " Clarke says. 

Abby and Clarke sit together on the bench for another few minutes before the rest of the group comes running through the doors from the stairs. All of them are out of breath, but the moment they see Clarke they all run to her and hug her, all at once. 

"What the hell is going? " Raven says, or yells. Her eyes are red and puffy. She's been crying. But her voice seems harsh and husky so she's been trying to hide it, swallowing the tears.

"She had a seizure when I woke up and now I don't know, " Clarke says as they all sit down again. Some of the on the floor, others on the chairs. 

"Shit, " Octavia says. "This is fucking bullshit. " She continues. She's angry. They all are in some way. It's the easiest way to react to something like this. 

A doctor comes out of the room and they all stand up at once. It feels like hours of just waiting in silence, no one knowing what to say or do. 

"Is she okay? " Clarke asks and wonders why the doctor closes the door to the room when he steps out. 

"She had a big fallback. I'm sorry but she won't make it much longer. She's stable for now, " He says, his voice is cold and calm. Everything it needs to be to deliver a message like that. 

"Shut up, " Clarke says. "She's fine. She was fine when we went to bed, she's fine now. Stop lying, " She says. "You're lying! " She screams. Raven takes Clarke's hand and turns her to face her.

"Not the time to go crazy, Griffin. " Raven hugs her tight until Clarke calms down a bit more. 

"How long? " Abby asks the doctor. 

"A couple of hours. She's in a state of coma, in a way. I'm sorry but she won't wake up. She'll be gone before the sun rises. " He nods a little to his own words before walking down the hallway and into the elevator. 

"Bullshit, " Octavia says but her words get lost in Clarke's cries. 

They all now it's time for them to say goodbye and none of them are ready. 

They never will be. 

***

_When Lexa opens her eyes, she didn't even know she'd closed them, she's at the beach. The sun is shining brightly above them, hovering over them, looking down at them. Lexa can feel how Clarke's pulling her forward, but the sun is shining so bright Lexa can only look down in the sand._

_She notices she's wearing her hospital gown. It's a bit messy and there are several stains on it, she doesn't remember spilling anything on it. She doesn't care, though._

_She feels how the water rushes over her feet. It's warm. She's never felt sea water as warm as this, it's_ _amazing. It feels like a hot bath, but the smell of the sea is making it 10 times better. She can feel Clarke's hands stroke her arms. Clarke must be standing behind her in the water. Lexa closes her eyes for a short while, she just stands there and breathes in the fresh air and feels the warmth of the sun hitting her skin._

_Her hair is blowing around her face, but she doesn't feel the wind at all. The sun is setting right in front of her, which makes no sense because the day shouldn't be over yet. She doesn't want it to be over yet._

_Lexa doesn't understand why the sun is setting so early. Suddenly she doesn't understand why she can feel her hair around her, it's a feeling she forgot about a long time ago when she lost it all. When she was sick._

_She was sick._

_This is not okay, she doesn't understand what's happening. Suddenly she can't feel Clarke's hands around her, she can't feel or see Clarke anywhere._

_She's scared now._

***

Octavia enters the room first. The rest of them wait outside, the door's not completely closed. 

"Hey, " Octavia says and sits down on a chair next to Lexa. She has a tube going down her throat, Octavia tries not to think about that too much. 

"I've been planning on what to say when this day would come, you know. And now that it's hear I'm out of words, " Octavia says. "We've been talking, all of us, about how unfair this is and how we can't do anything other than just try to be happy and, you know, I've been trying. A lot. But it's really hard to be happy right now. " She's crying. "I just. I'm really going to miss you, okay? I love you so much, Lexa. Even though I was a bit of a bitch at first. " A slight laugh slips through the tears that are streaming down Octavia's face. "I love you, " She says as she leaves the room. 

When she gets out she falls into Lincoln's arms and rest there for a minutes or so before he gets int there himself. 

"Lexa, " He says, his voice sounds monotone and calm. Something you would've expected from Lincoln. 

"I won't say goodbye to you. Because that means I won't see you again and just saying that, " He starts crying. "Is the hardest thing about all of this. So, instead, I'm going to tell you what actually happened the night you thought I was mad at you. You know, the night we were at Jasper's party. We were both 18 and I faked that I was angry with you so that you would leave me alone. The reason why I did that was so that I could flirt with Octavia without you knowing because I knew you hated her. " He laughs a little as he holds her hand. "You were so upset about the whole thing that I told Octavia that I couldn't hang out with her because I needed to talk to you, " He says. "She was pissed, of course. But then she thought about how nice of a guy I was and, you know, it went pretty well, " He says and laughs. 

"I won't forget about that day. Or any other day you and I have spent with each other. You've been my best friend for so long and you alway will be. " He smiles and fights a tear back. "I love you, " He kisses her hand and walks out the room. 

Monty isn't good with these kinds of things. He steps inside and tells Lexa how he'll miss her and how much he cares about her. He jokes a little about how he used to have a crush on her, but when Raven found out and started teasing him about it,he kind of forgot about it. He was too busy getting angry with Raven to really realize how in love Clarke and Lexa were (are). Then he says goodbye and walks out to the others. 

***

_Lexa can't see anything._

_Her eyes are open, it's not just black or white around her. It's nothing._

_It's the color of see-through._

_She's not breathing, she doesn't have to. She doesn't feel the stinging pain anymore, she's fine._

_She's not sad or angry or scared, she's okay._

_There are no one around her, not a single sound is going through her ears. She's alone, except that she's not alone._

_She can feel her friends around her. She can feel their moods, they're happy. They're talking and laughing and joking about things Lexa understands. They're much older now, she can tell by the way they talk. She can feel the love flying around Octavia and Lincoln. It's this warm, cozy feeling. Something new and fresh, it's similar to love but it's not like Octavia and Lincoln, is going all around Raven and Jasper. It's nice._

***

Jasper walks in and sits down in the bed, right up against Lexa. 

"You're so cool, Lexa. " He begins. "Like, you've gone through so many horrible things in your life and you're still so young. And, like, you don't even really care. We know it's been hard on you for the past few years, we get that. But just know that you've done so well and, " He fights back crying as much as he can. "It's okay for you to let go now, " He says, or at least he tries. "You're so strong and so wonderful and we all love you and care about you. But if you can't do this anymore, it's okay. I promise to never forget you, okay? But promise me that you'll say hi to Maya from me. Tell her I miss her. " Jasper starts crying more and more, the tears are rolling down his cheeks and falls from his chin to the sheets. "I love you, " He says and leaves the room. 

Next up is Raven. She walks in, sees Lexa and kicks the chair next to the bed. She can feel how her face is turning red and hot, her hands are shaking and her throat hurts more and more. 

"This is so fucking fucked up! " She yells, it's more of a cry than a yell, though. 

"You are so good. To everyone and everything. You are pure and sweet and kind and amazing and there are so many horrible people out there and for some fucked up reason you're the one who's lying here. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much! " She kicks the chair one more time and hurts her legs but she keeps kicking it and kicking it and kicking it until Jasper comes in and pulls her out of the room. 

"It's okay, Raven, " He says in a low whisper. They sit down together against the wall opposite of Lexa's room. 

Clarke looks at the door. It feels big and heavy and too white, for some reason. It's too clean for what's happening on the other side of it. 

"You can do it, sweetie, " Abby says and pushes the door open slowly for her daughter to step in. 

Clarke takes a few steps inside and lets the door close, almost completely. 

She looks at her girlfriend, Lexa, lying on the bed that they've shared for so many nights. She's strapped up with tubes and wires going from her fingers, wrists, stomach and even her face. Little pads of rubber with copper wires attached to them are placed around her forehead and scalp. 

"You look so beautiful, " Clarke says and smiles a gentle smile. She brushes away the tears that are falling down her cheeks and around her nose. 

"I'm going to be alone now. " She takes a couple of deep breaths, it's shaky. "I knew this day would come but I didn't know it'd be so soon. Abby told me you already knew it'd be soon. That you were supposed to have another week or so. I get why you didn't tell me. I just don't understand why they would give you a week when it was only a day. " Clarke falls to her knees next to the bed. 

"I know I'll have the others. I know that. But, I won't have you anymore and it hurts so much more than I thought it would. " She cries. "I won't go home again. It's not home anymore. Home is not a place, it's a feeling. That's what you always told me. I always thought it was bullshit because at the end of the day I just wanted to go back to our little house, I wanted to go home. But what I really wanted was to go back to you, Lexa. " 

"I can never go home again. " She cries harder and harder and every word that comes through her head makes everything worse. "You are without a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me. From now on, everything will be worse. It's going to be so hard to keep breathing. Please, " She says. "Lexa, please don't go. Not yet. Let me tell you I love you. I just one more time. Let me hear your voice say you love me. Please! " She screams. She gets up and falls over Lexa. She feels how Lexa's breath zooms through the tube in her throat and into a machine. She can feel the wires on her hands and she can feel Lexa's heart beating only because of a machine. 

Abby comes in and takes Clarke's hands. She pulls her away from Lexa and hugs her tight.

***

_She can feel Clarke. She's not happy like the others are. She's more... Something._

_Lexa can see how Clarke's moving her things from boxes and in with her mother. There are suddenly paintings all around her. She's drawing and painting again, it's all so pretty. She can tell that Clarke wants to cry or yell or anything other than laugh with her friends. Lexa can tell how Clarke's faking a smile when they make a joke about Raven and Jasper._

_She's in pain, Lexa thinks. But she knows she can't do anything about it, so she just concentrates on feeling Clarke around her._

_She knows Clarke can feel her too._

_She loves her so much it's no longer a feeling. It's a state of mind, it's something around her and through her and it's everywhere. It's so warm and so nice._

_Lexa loves Clarke more than possible._

***

Another hour pass. Clarke is sitting next to Lexa, holding her hand as another episode of Friends begins on TV. Clarke doesn't remember this episode. For a minute or so, when she first turned on the TV, she didn't even recognize the actors or names or the coffee shop or the apartment. It was all something she used to know about a million years ago. It's no longer the same. 

Clarke takes a look outside the window. The curtains are strapped neatly to each their side of the window. There's a great view of the parking lot. But if you look close enough you can see the clouds on the sky turn pink and orange and yellow. 

"Look, " Clarke whispers. "The sun it rising. " She smiles. "You made it longer than the doctors said you would. You always do that, " Clarke says and grins a little. Then she hears the sound. It's a high pitched noise coming from one of the machines. A greenish line is zooming across the screen and Clarke feels this emptiness crushing her chest. 

She drops herself over the bed and holds Lexa's hand tight as she feels her mother drag her away from Lexa. Doctors are rushing in to check what's happening. Clarke must've screamed or something, everyone's looking frightened. 

Clarke is fighting against her mother's grip, trying to stay with Lexa. She kicks and hits and forces herself to scream but her throat feels clogged. 

In the end she gives up. It's the moment the nurse pulls out the wires and tube and puts a clean, white sheet over Lexa that Clarke loses. They note the date and time and Clarke can't hear anything else but the nurse repeating it over and over again.

The words are hurting Clarke but she can't get her words out to tell her she's in pain. It's a pain that doesn't have any words to it. It coming from inside of her and it can't get out. 

Clarke walks out of the room with her mother in front of her. When she's out the door she looks at the handle. She grabs it with a firm grip and closes the door behind her. Shaking with every move.

She closes her eyes and tries to picture Lexa, smiling in front of her. But she only sees the Lexa that's on the hospital bed, cold and stiff. 

It's not her Lexa. 

Her Lexa's gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY IF THIS WAS REALLY SAD AND DEPRESSING BUT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING I CAN WRITE, OKAY.
> 
> thank you all so much for the wonderful comments!
> 
> i'm already working on a different clexa story so if you wanna read it when i finally post it, please follow me one here ;)
> 
> anyway
> 
> i hope you're all good and happy and stuff
> 
> bye

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @ notreallystraight if you wanna message me or ask me about the story/stories I'm writing <3


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